Hey ladies & gents! It’s time for me to reflect. As I previously mentioned in my first post, this blog is an attempt to gain clarity on some of the things that I’ve been through, and possibly spark conversation with you all.
We as women always are dying to know the reasons why things happen. Why the earth spins, why my hair doesn’t grow, why does FICA come out of each of my paychecks, why are the seasons of Power so short, WHY WHY WHY???? Well the main question my friends and I ponder about is: Why do men cheat on us? We love so hard, we’re loyal… What is the freaking problem?
The things I allowed to happen in my so called ‘committed’ relationship were ridiculous, disrespectful, and plain ole disgusting. A little background on the relationship. I met him when I was 19, working my first real job, and still gaining an understanding of what it was like being a single mother. He was attractive, fun and living life carelessly. (Red flag #1.) We started off as friends, who awkwardly spent time with each other talking about music, playing mixed CD’s and enjoying each other’s company. So, of course after we became intimate…the dynamic changed up a bit. More than a bit..A LOT. So let’s get to the meat of this sandwich.
The reason why I got cheated on for 5 years is one word:
- I am the problem when it comes to recurring issues in my life. Notice I said: recurring. There are instances where we are innocent bystanders and everything is going so well and then BAM suddenly it’s revealed to you that the man you are in love with is cheating. This is not one of those cases. This case is: I found out he’s cheating via facebook, Instagram, text messages, via e-mail, and voicemail and I’m still accepting the half ass apology that he doesn’t even believe. But yet…I would end up right back in bed with him. I WAS THE PROBLEM. We keep trying to rationalize pain. If it hurts, why keep revictimizing ourselves as women or men(you guys get hurt too,right)?
- There are reasons behind the recurring cycle. One being I thought I could change him. I am super woman in all other aspects of my life. I move mountains, bare children, work 40+ hours a week and go to school…there’s no way a man won’t change for me! Right?? WRONG! You could be the perfect woman, with a perfect body, if he’s not who you want him to be when you met him (in most cases) don’t try to stay and mold him. Some people have habits, and in order to change those habits I believe they need to see a personal benefit in it. It’s like cigarette smokers, until they’ve reached the point where they no longer have the desire to smoke, it’s almost impossible for them to do so. I believe habitual cheaters see a benefit in these multiple bonds they’ve established with each partner. In order for a person to change it starts within, first he should want to change for himself, then it’ll be a more fulfilling modification. The last thing you would want is a resentful faithful partner.
- I was afraid to move on. This man brought no real value to my life (red flag #2) yet I felt as though moving on would be detrimental to me or would be a loss. How Sway? Maybe the next guy would be worse? Or maybe in spite of the infidelity we had an amazing bond? Or we’d finally accomplished some major goals as individuals and maybe just maybe this time he would finally keep it in his God forsaken pants. WRONG! These hypothetical situations are not REAL! They are (at least for me) ways that I subsided my pain and curbed my fear. These my dear are: Excuses.
- I lived in a fantasy world. My ultimate dream is to wake up next to the man I’ve given my heart to, with our two kids snug in their beds, I’ll quietly cook them breakfast and hubby will drop them off at school in one of our many luxury cars. Ideally, coming from a two parent home my perception on love and marriage is different. I’ve always imagined somehow, some way I’ll have what my parents have built. But this is not the 80’s and it’s sad to say men are not built like my father anymore. No prince with a horse and carriage here (FUCK YOU DISNEY). Your frog does not become a prince, the beast does not save you and 9 times out of 10 you won’t be swept off of your feet. In today’s world women and men are equally qualified to be the prince/princess and some men are raised to be life long spoiled little princesses instead of kings. (That’s another topic for another day: the emasculation of the millennial male)…However, my whole vision of love was so distorted it rocked my world when I realized he couldn’t fulfill my fantasy, hell, I couldn’t fulfill my own at that time.
Red flag’s list:
- Your partner lives life carelessly. This doesn’t mean they are fun loving and carefree. It means living as if they have no real responsibilities or obligations. In order to be committed to someone, you have to learn what commitment means. I believe this behavior might be learned from childhood in certain instances, however as an adult these are things that begin to form as you break away from the nest.
- Your partner brings no value to your life. What can you learn from your significant other and vice versa? Are you the only one giving and he/she just continues to take? What purpose do they serve in your life aside from a sexual connection?
How many of you guys grow through something? I mean GROW through something? Life and love is like planting seeds, the beauty occurs when you love, nurture and even talk to the plant. Some of us need to do that to ourselves, so that when we see red flags we appreciate who we are so much, we cut the bad man or woman out of our lives like weeds.
Don’t forget to comment below.
Cropped Sports Bra: Forever21 (the pictured top is no longer available, similar item is linked)
Shoes: GoJane (the pictured shoes are no longer available, similar item is linked)
Leather Skirt (purchased two years ago): Forever21
Glasses: One & Only (specialty shop located in Maryland)